The March Madness Celebrity Showdown
I have always been weirdly obsessed with which schools produce the most famous alumni, and now you can be too.
It’s the greatest time of the year.
March Madness. And despite the evil, corrupt, morally bankrupt selection committee eschewing the glorious Pitt Panthers, I will still plop my behind on the couch and watch approximately 250 hours of basketball over the next three days.
And with that, I’m working hard. I’m working hard for my friends, my family, strangers, everyone, to break down this entire field, and figure out everything I can about every single team, to give you the only important angle:
Which school’s starting five of non-athlete celebrities would win the whole tournament?
EAST REGION
1 Connecticut
G- Meg Ryan, actress
G- Judy Collins, musician
F- Bobby Moynihan, comedian
F- Moby, musician
C- John Fetterman, senator
Outlook: A solid five. Say what you will about Fetterman as a politician, but as a paint presence, he could be a major impact guy. Really like Meg Ryan’s upside running the offense.
16 Stetson
G- Laurette T. Koellner, retired president of Boeing International
G- Alan Le May, writer who wrote the novel The Searchers and The Unforgiven
F- Louis DeJoy, former US postmaster general
F- George Winston, new age pianist
C- Ted Cassidy, actor who played Lurch on The Addams Family
Outlook: A ragtag collection, their chances will hinge on Lurch’s ability to protect the rim. Having an ex-Boeing exec is a risky factor.
8 Florida Atlantic
G- Carrot Top, comedian
G- Shannon Spake, TV reporter
F- Marc Kudisch, Tony-nominated actor
F- Don Brewer, drummer in Grand Funk Railroad
C- Chris Carrabba, Dashboard Confessional
Outlook: Yeah, don’t love this group. Will need a massive showing from Carrot Top.
9 Northwestern
G- Julia Louis-Dreyfus, actress
G- Jerry Springer, Talk show host
F- Charlton Heston, actor
F- Warren Beatty, actor
C- Will Butler, Arcade Fire
Outlook: I like JLD’s upside leading this squad, while Warren Beatty has a great frame at the 4. There are bigger names than Butler, but he gets the call due to his brother’s success in the NBA Celebrity All-Star Games.
5 San Diego State
G- Kathleen Kennedy, President of Lucasfilm
G- Saweetie, rapper
F- Gregory Peck, actor
F- Carl Weathers, actor
C- Julie Kavner, voice of Marge on The Simpsons
Outlook: This is an underrated bunch. A CEO running the offense, some strength down low, while Marge’s blue hair is going to be a strong deterrent in the post.
12 UAB
G- Regina Benjamin, United States Surgeon General
G- Deidre Downs, first Miss America winner to enter a same-sex marriage
F- Sam Hunt, country musician
F- George Miller, founder of cognitive science
C- Larry DeLucas, astronaut
Outlook: In case you can’t tell, this was a difficult one.
4 Auburn
G- Jimmy Buffett, musician
G- Octavia Spencer, actress
F- Katherine Webb, model
F- Tim Cook, CEO of Apple
C- Taylor Hicks, American Idol S5 winner
Outlook: This is a fun group, although Buffett and Hicks never graduated from Auburn. Taylor Hicks is an undersized big but should be able to provide some toughness.
13 Yale
G- Paul Newman, actor
G- Meryl Streep, actress
F- Sigourney Weaver, actress
F- Edward Norton, actor
C- Bill Clinton, president
Outlook: We went athleticism over notoriety here. You’ve got Ripley bringing the ball up, then dynamic size in the paint. And anyone who’s seen American History X knows Norton is a must-pick.
6 BYU
G- Stephanie Meyer, Twilight author
G- Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! contestant and host
F- Aaron Eckhart, actor
F- Dan Reynolds, lead singer of Imagine Dragons
C- Mitt Romney, US senator
Outlook: Romney has some wear on the tires, but he’s good friends with Danny Ainge and has solid wingspan. Meyer is more of a baseball person, so we’ll see how her skills translate.
11 Duquesne
G- Werner Herzog, director
G- John Clayton, journalist
F- Bobby Vinton, singer
F- Michael Hayden, former director of the CIA
C- Sammy Nestico, big band composer/arranger
Outlook: This team is a bit sparse, and Nestico gets the nod because I played so many of his arrangements in high school jazz band. Herzog will likely slow down the tempo, though, and make every game limited possession, so the Dukes could hang around.
3 Illinois
G- Ang Lee, director
G- Mike Kinsella, American Football frontman
F- Hugh Hefner, Playboy founder
F- Roger Ebert, film critic
C- Nick Offerman, actor
Outlook: I think Offerman has some DJ Burns potential here.
14 Morehead State
G- Steve Kazee, Tony Award-winning actor
G- Chuck Woolery, game show host
F- Steve Inskeep, NPR radio host
F- Rocky Adkins, former House minority leader
C- William E. Barber, Medal of Honor recipient who fought at Iwo Jima
Outlook: This was a tough five to assemble.
7 Washington State
G- Gary Larson, The Far Side cartoonist
G- Edward R. Murrow, journalist
F- Krist Novoselic, Nirvana bassist
F- Timothy Leary, psychologist
C- Dolph Lundgren, actor
Outlook: Impressive. The Gary Larson/Lundgren PNR should be tough to stop, and Leary will be a strong defender.
10 Drake
G- Julee Cruise, singer
G- Kazuki Takahashi, creator of Yu-Gi-Oh
F- Jeremy Piven, actor
F- Michael Emerson, LOST actor
C- Ira Levin, Rosemary’s Baby author
Outlook: Honestly, a better selection than I expected out of Drake University.
2 Iowa State
G- Henry Wallace, US vice president
G- Lionel Dahmer, chemist and father of Jeffrey Dahmer
F- Russell Stover, founder of Russell Stover Candies
F- George Washington Carver, inventor
C- Thornton Wilson, former CEO of Boeing
Outlook: Anticipated a stouter starting five, although another Boeing exec makes them a tough out.
15 South Dakota State
G- James Pollock, artist
G- Harvey Dunn, artist
F- William DuPuy, military general
F- John Merton Aldrich, entomologist specializing in flies
C- Theodore Schultz, Nobel Prize winner in economics
Outlook: Not the most earth-shattering group, but an interesting group of men ready to go to war.
WEST REGION
1 North Carolina
G- James K. Polk, President of the United States
G- Louise Fletcher, Academy Award-winning actress
F- Lewis Black, comedian
F- Billy Crudup, actor
C- Jack Palance, actor
Outlook: Kinda disappointing? Ken Jeong was on this list but he associates way more with Duke. Lewis Black feels more like a college hoops coach than a forward.
16 Wagner
G- Fran Drescher, actress
G- Robert Loggia, actor
F- Carmine Giovinazzo, actor
F- Jim Carroll, author of The Basketball Diaries
C- Damien Demento, professional wrestler
Outlook: Not bad, not bad. You’ve got one guy who at least has a basketball credit to his name, and Fran Drescher is fresh off a big union victory. I think. I didn’t follow the writers’ strike that closely.
8 Mississippi State
G- John Grisham, author
G- Marsha Blackburn, senator
F- Machine Gun Kelly, outlaw
F- Turner Catledge, first executive editor of the New York Times
C- Jerry Clower, comedian
Outlook: Yuck. And I say that as a massive John Grisham fan. This should be a quick out.
9 Michigan State
G- James Caan, actor
G- Sam Raimi, director
F- Tom Sizemore, actor
F- Chris Hansen, To Catch A Predator
C- Timothy Zahn, author of Star Wars novels
Outlook: Sam Raimi! Sam Raimi! Sam Raimi! *Kevin Harlan voice * SAM RAIMI!
5 St Mary’s
G- Tony Martin, singer
G- Pete Morelli, NFL referee
F- Brian Doyle-Murray, comedian
F- Bob Delaney, NBA referee
C- Mahershala Ali, actor
Outlook: Some cheating here with two refs and Ali, who actually played basketball for the Gaels. And we’re also shifting Ali from guard to center because in this tournament, his 6-3 frame will be enough.
12 Grand Canyon
G- Henry Cejudo, UFC fighter
G- Rachel Mitchell, sex crimes proescutor
F- Efrain Escudero, The Ultimate Fighter contestant
F- Christine Weidinger, opera singer
C- Bill Engvall, comedian
Outlook: More cheating using some MMA fighters, but they aren’t paid like actual athletes so they don’t count. I’ve heard Engvall has some up-and-under moves.
4 Alabama
G- Harper Lee, author
G- Sela Ward, actress
F- Jim Nabors, actor
F- Gay Telese, writer
C- Jeff Sessions, senator
Outlook: I expected better from such a big school. I don’t know if the Tide have the length to go for a run. Gay Telese will need to get hot from three, most likely.
13 Charleston
G- Edwin McCain, singer
G- Thomas Gibson, actor
F- Casey DeeSantis, first lady of Florida
F- Nafees Bin Zafar, principal engineer at DreamWorks Animation
C- Orlando Jones, actor
Outlook: I just watched Evolution with Orlando Jones last month. He was pretty funny. That’s all I’ve got.
6 Clemson
G- Mark Tremonti, Creed guitarist
G- James Michael Tyler, Friends actor
F- Rob Huebel, comedian
F- Lee Brice, country musician
C- Strom Thurmond, US Senator
Outlook: I like this squad. Tremonti has dealt with the adversity of working with Scott Stapp at his absolute worst, so I trust his ability to navigate double-teams.
11 New Mexico
G- Penny Marshall, director/actress
G- John Dodson, UFC fighter
F- Eddie Guerrero, professional wrestler
F- Holly Holm, UFC fighter
C- Shirley Hufstedler, first US Secretary of Education
Outlook: Not terrible, not great, perhaps the two MMA fighters will have some chemistry. Eddie Guerrero needs to keep his emotions in check.
3 Baylor
G- Willie Nelson, singer
G- Angela Kinsey, actress
F- Jeff Dunham, puppeteer
F- Allison Tolman, actress
C- Rand Paul, senator
Outlook: A fairly predictable starting five, but Allison Tolman is the sleeper here. She could be dangerous on switches.
14 Colgate
G- Charles Addams, Addams Family creator
G- Bob Balaban, actor
F- Jay Chandrasekhar, director
F- Johnny Marks, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer composer
C- John Cassavettes, director
Outlook: John Cassavettes heading up a low-budget project trying to make it big? Sign me up!
7 Dayton
G- Erma Bombeck, humorist
G- Charles J. Pedersen, Nobel Prize winner in chemistry
F- Amy Schneider, Jeopardy! contestant
F- Don Novello, actor/comedian
C- David Bradley, inventor of CTRL-ALT-DELETE computer command
Outlook: Okay, this has been the fun part of this project: learning that there was one specific person credited with inventing CTRL-ALT-DELETE.
10 Nevada
G- Susan Desmond-Hellmann, CEO of OpenAI
G- Charlton Laird, creator of standard Webster’s New World Thesaurus
F- Jennifer Harman, first woman to win two World Series of Poker bracelets
F- Washoe, first chimpanzee to successfully learn ASL
C- Kane Hodder, stuntman who played Jason Voorhees
Outlook: You can tell this was a challenge by how much I had to explain who these people were. But man, having a chimpanzee that can understand sign language is a big advantage.
2 Arizona
G- Kourtney Kardashian, ummmm a Kardashian
G- Kristen Wiig, actress
F- Craig T. Nelson, actor
F- Geraldo Rivera, TV host
C- David Foster Wallace, writer
Outlook: An early favorite. You just know DFW is a beast down low, and Craig T. Nelson is throwing elbows and screening hard for Wiig’s movement shooting.
15 Long Beach State
G- Steven Spielberg, director
G- Steve Martin, actor/comedian
F- Bradley Nowell, lead singer of Sublime
F- Karen Carpenter, singer
C- The Undertaker
Outlook: Arizona vs. LBS is now a must-watch. What a team these Californians have assembled. Karen Carpenter can call in her brother Richard if she fatigues.
SOUTH
1 Houston
G- Paul Wall, rapper
G- Dennis Quaid, actor
F- Master P, rapper
F- Chamillionaire, rapper
C-Jim Parsons, actor
Outlook: UH has a nice core here. Two guards who can be trusted, and Master P is a known hooper. Jim Parsons definitely has the length to be a paint presence.
16 Longwood
G- Jason Mraz, singer
G- Gene Grabeel, cryptologist
F- Eva Mae Fleming Scott, first woman elected to Virginia Senate
F- William E. Todd, acting US Under Secretary of State for Management
C- Ransford Doherty, actor
Outlook: The remedy. Is the experience. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. I don’t know who any of these other people are.
8 Nebraska
G- Warren Buffett, rich guy
G- Johnny Carson, talk show host
F- Evan Williams, co-founder of Twitter
F- Conor Oberst, Bright Eyes singer
C- Larry the Cable Guy, comedian
Outlook: Buffett slowly dribbles up the court. Screen set by Carson. He lobs it up. LARRY THE CABLE GUY WITH THE SLAM!!!
9 Texas A&M
G- Eva Longoria, actress
G- Bianca Belair, professional wrestler
F- Rick Perry, governor
F- Rip Torn, actor
C- Lyle Lovett, singer
Outlook: I don’t know if these pieces will fit together. But the backcourt has some juice.
5 Wisconsin
G- Virgil Abloh, fashion designer
G- Joan Cusack, actress
F- Michael Mann, director
F- Errol Morris, documentarian
C- Sean William Scott, actor
Outlook: They have some stars up in Madison. I will never doubt anything Michael Mann is involved in.
12 James Madison
G- Jim Acosta, journalist
G- Christina Tosi, MasterChef judge
F- PFTCommenter, podcaster
F- Steve James, Hoop Dreams documentarian
C- Leroi Moore, Dave Matthews Band saxophonist
Outlook: I thought this would be a better team. I don’t like their chances.
4 Duke
G- Ken Jeong, comedian
G- Charlie Rose, journalist
F- Kara DioGuardi, American Idol Judge
F- JB Pritzker, governor of Illinois
C- Richard Nixon, President of the United States
Outlook: Did I pick Kara over more accomplished people because I’m an American Idol stan? No comment. Sorry Ron Paul and Jared Harris.
13 Vermont
G- Trey Anastasio, Phish guitarist
G- Mark Boone Junior, actor
F- Dierks Bentley, country musician
F- Ryen Russillo, podcaster
C- Ben Affleck, actor
Outlook: Anastasio and Affleck didn’t graduate, but whatever. Affleck and Russillo provide some basketball experience in the frontcourt. And I’m sure Trey has played some ball.
6 Texas Tech
G- Natalie Maines, lead singer of the Chicks
G- Brad Leland, actor
F- Johnny Hardwick, voice of Dale Gribble on King of the Hill
F- John Hinckly Jr., attempted assassin
C- John Denver, singer
Outlook: A very Texas Forever team.
11 NC State
G- Jada Pinkett-Smith, actress
G- Dane DeHaan, actor
F- Anthony Mackie, actor
F- Zach Galifianakis, actor/comedian
C- Danny McBride, actor/comedian
Outlook: Agility, some brawn down low, some wingspan from the Falcon (ha ha ha), this NC State team is as live a dog as the real team was in the ACC Tournament.
3 Kentucky
G- Ashley Judd, actress
G- Mitch McConnell, old man
F- Glenn Kotche, Wilco drummer
F- John T. Scopes, defendant in the Scopes Monkey Trial
C- Harry Dean Stanton, actor
Outlook: I don’t really like this team, and don't remember anything about the Scopes Monkey Trial.
14 Oakland
G- Curtis Armstrong, actor
G- Jayne Houdyshell, Tony Award winner
F- Gary Yourofsky, animal rights activist
F- Robert Englund, Freddy Krueger
C- David Hasselhoff, hasselhoff
Outlook: Strong in the big man rotation but there’s some thinning out after. Don’t trust this group for a full 40 minutes.
7 Florida
G- Faye Dunaway, actress
G- Stephen Stills, singer
F- Stephen Root, actor
F- Darrell Hammond, SNL
C- Jonathan Demme, director
Outlook: Sometimes the pieces just fit, and I think this is a promising collection that will work in a tournament environment. Time to go watch Rachel Getting Married.
10 Boise State
G- Youth Lagoon, singer
G- Earl Boen, actor
F- Mike O’Callaghan, Nevada governor
F- Butch Otter, Idaho governor
C- William Agee, CEO of Bendix
Outlook: Not going to lie, didn’t peg Trevor Powers as a Boise guy.
10 Colorado
G- Trey Parker, South Park guy A
G- Matt Stone, South Park guy B
F- Steve Wozniak, computer guy
F- Jonah Hill, actor
C- Robert Redford, actor
Outlook: A backcourt with chemistry, and a leader at the 5 and brains at the 3. The question here is Jonah Hill, and which Jonah Hill we get.
2 Marquette
G- Joseph McCarthy, US Senator
G- Dan Harmon, creator of Community
F- Danny Pudi, actor
F- Bob Odenkirk, actor/comedian
C- Chris Farley, comedian/actor
Outlook: Four very funny guys and one of the least funny people of all-time. Opposites might attract, perhaps Joey can keep the wild guys in check.
15 Western Kentucky
G- Mitch McDeere, protagonist in The Firm
G- Sue Grafton, mystery author
F- Tyler Childers, musician
F- Matthew Shultz, lead singer of Cage the Elephant
C- Tyler Childers, musician
Outlook: If we get the Tom Cruise Mitch McDeere and not the Imagined In Your Head While Reading Mitch McDeere, WKU might be cooking.
MIDWEST
1 Purdue
G- Ted Allen, Chopped host
G- Karen Black, actress
F- Neil Armstrong, astronaut
F- Millie Bobby Brown, actress
C- Jim Gaffigan, comedian
Outlook: I truly think Ted Allen could score on Zach Edey. He’s that good.
16 Montana State
G- Craig Kilborn, media guy
G-John Dahl, director
F- Lincoln Chafee, hilarious presidential candidate
F- Sarah Vowell, voice of Violet in The Incredibles
C- Brian Schweitzer, governor of Montana
Outlook: A surprisingly deep lineup, and a reminder to go check out John Dahl’s filmography. Kilborn is sort of cheating as he played hoops at Montana State.
16 Grambling State
G- Erykah Badu, singer
G- Burl Cain, warden of the Louisiana State Penitentiary
F- Charles M Blow, columnist
F- E-40, rapper
C- Ronnie Coleman, bodybuilder
Outlook: Dude. Imagine Ronnie Coleman banging in the paint with Zach Edey. What would even happen? I’m not good at physics. Or the logic of this exercise.
8 Utah State
G- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari and Chuck E. Cheese
G- Sonia Johnson, feminist/presidential candidate
F- Paula Hawkins, first woman elected to US senate w/o a family connection
F- Nathan Baldwin, inventor of headphones
C- Harry Reid, US Senator
Outlook: What the hell do they teach at Utah State?
9 TCU
G- Reverend Lovejoy, The Simpsons reverend
G- Frederic Forrest, actor
F- Chris Klein, actor
F- Betty Buckley, broadway actress known for Cats
C- Luke Wilson, actor
Outlook: This could be some off-brand version of Space Jam where Reverend Lovejoy serves as the Bugs Bunny to, hmmm, Luke Wilson’s Michael Jordan?
5 Gonzaga
G- Bing Crosby, singer
G- Catherine Cortez Masto, US senator
F- Bob Crosby, singer
F- Tom Foley, former Speaker of the House
C- Frank Comerford Walker, former Postmaster General
Outlook: Goddamn. No one goes to this school besides basketball players. Are we sure it’s real?
12 McNeese State
G- Bobby Kimball, frontman of Toto
G- Doug Kershaw, fiddle player
F- Adam Johnson, novelist
F- Andre Dubus, writer
C- Keith Frank, zydeco musician
Outlook: I bless the rains down innnnn *googles what state McNeese is in* Louisiannnnnnnna.
4 Kansas
G- Gillian Flynn, author
G- Don Johnson, actor
F- Mandy Patankin, actor
F- Bob Dole, senator
C- Paul Rudd, actor
Outlook: Don Johnson would be such a damn good point-of-attack, nasty defense guard. Paul Rudd gets to play center because Ant Man I guess.
13 Samford
G- Gail Patrick, actress
G- Doug Jones, former US senator
F- RG Armstrong, actor
F- Jim Folsom, former Alabama governor
C- Tony Hale, actor
Outlook: Buster Bluth is about to bust your favorite center’s ass in the post.
6 South Carolina
G- Elle Fanning, actress
G- Toro y Moi, musician
F- Stanley Donen, director
F- Darius Rucker, actor
C- Mike Colter, actor
Outlook: I think these all fit nicely. Starting to now brainstorm which NBA players would like chillwave. Maybe Derrick White?
11 Oregon
G- Kaitlin Olson, actress
G- Chuck Palahniuk, author
F- Chael Sonnen, UFC fighter
F- Ty Burrell, actor
C- Sam Elliott, actor
Outlook: I don’t think this Oregon team will shoot the light out. But they will scratch claw and grind at you until you make a mistake. Just a group that exudes toughness. Kaitlin Olson’s length at the guard spot could be a problem for some matchups.
3 Creighton
G- Leo Ryan, US representative assassinated in Jonestown Massacre
G- Virginia Thomas, attorney/Clarence Thomas’ wife
F- Michael P. Anderson, astronaut killed in Columbia disaster
F- Symone D. Sanders-Townsend, political correspondent
C- Joe Ricketts, Cubs owner
Outlook: Oof. Maybe don’t go to Creighton.
14 Akron
G- Yvette Nicole Brown, actress
G- Dan Auerbach, frontman of The Black Keys
F- George Wallace, comedian
F- Michael Morell, former CIA director
C- Patrick Carney, drummer of The Black Keys
Outlook: I’m not the biggest Black Keys fan, but George Wallace has made me laugh on Twitter quite a bit, I love Drake and Josh and Community and, uh, if you’re listening, the CIA rules! This team is great!
2 Texas
G- Matthew McConaughey, actor
G- Wes Anderson, director
F- Ethan Hawke, actor
F- Jon Hamm, actor
C- Owen Wilson, actor
Outlook: This one featured the toughest cuts, like Glenn Powell, Renee Zellweger, Neil DeGrasse Tyson (okay cutting him) was easy. But This group just feels like it works. Connected 1-through-5. A Wes Anderson college basketball movie would be incredible.
15 Saint Peter’s
G- Bob Menendez, New Jersey senator
G- Thomas O’Toole, Washington Post reporter
F- Ken Jennings, Broadway actor (not the Jeopardy! guy)
F- Will Durant, historian
C- Ras Baraka, mayor of Newark
Outlook: Pretty weak five to round out the field, although maybe Will Durant can put down his 13-volume History of Civilization and play like (I’m assuming) his long-lostrelative Kevin.
Well, there you have it. I hope this helps you fill out your bracket. I’m about to do my coin flip and Scrabble value ones next.
THIS. IS. MARCH.