138 predictions, ranging from meh to bold to stupid, for the 2025 MLB season

It’s been a minute. No one cares why I haven’t written a substack post in a while, and it’s not very interesting. I’ve just been busy.

But as the title suggests, we’ve got a lot to get to. I don’t care how decrepit the fans of the game are, and how far back the sport gets pushed into the corner of public discourse. I’ll always be excited for opening day.

And I’ll always be excited to stake claims to things with no consequences. So here they are. Apologies for the random order, this was almost entirely off the cuff.

ATLANTA BRAVES

1. The Atlanta Braves win the World Series

2. They win double-digit more games than the Dodgers

3. Spencer Strider will appear in a Pitchfork headline

4. Ronald Acuña Jr. gets into a major brawl that results in suspensions

5. Reynaldo Lopez is their best pitcher

6. Austin Riley is their best hitter

   MINNESOTA TWINS

7. The Braves defeat the Minnesota Twins in the World Series

8. Byron Buxton plays 130+ games

9. Ryan Jeffers makes the All-Star Game

10. Carlos Correa is traded/injured and out for the year, and the team improves

11. The Twins host a Bob Dylan Day, and Timothee Chalamet attends.

    LOS ANGELES DODGERS

12. Shohei Ohtani wins an MVP despite having a 4.00+ ERA

13. He plays at least one inning at 2B/3B/SS

14. He hits more home runs than Mookie/Freeman combined

15. Dustin May strikes out 150 batters in less than 125 innings

16. Roki Sasaki gets sent to the minors

17. Kanye West attends a Dodgers game and makes headlines due to an attempted publicity stunt

    LOS ANGELES ANGELS

18. Mike Trout hits 30+ homers and plays over 140 games, but strikes out 175 times

19. Tim Anderson re-emerges as a starting-caliber SS for the Angels and is traded at the deadline for prospects

20. Anthony Rendon goes on a full-out media blitz destroying the Angels organization and calling out Ron Washington by name.

21. 2025 is Kenley Jansen’s final season in the majors, is waived, and signs with the Dodges, while Ben Joyce becomes the closer

    BOSTON RED SOX

22. Alex Cora looks like Jeremy Strong. This isn’t a prediction. But it’s true.

23. Roman Anthony is called up in May, but is outperformed by Kristian Campbell

24. Rafael Devers, for the first time in his career, hits 40+ home runs

25. Garrett Crochet leads the MLB in strikeouts, but also allows 30+ home runs

26. Tanner Houck undergoes Tommy John Surgery

27. The Red Sox win the AL East

    KANSAS CITY ROYALS

28. Cole Ragans emerges a la Tarik Skubal with a dominant, Cy Young-winning season

29. Salvador Perez passes Gary Carter for seventh all-time in career homers by a catcher

30. Bobby Witt Jr. wins the MVP, and goes 40/40

31. A Patrick Mahomes-inspired menu item debuts, and it is disgusting

32. Seth Lugo throws a no-hitter

    NEW YORK YANKEES

33. The Yankees finish below .500

34. Jazz Chisholm leads the team in WAR

35. Devin Williams loses the closer job

36. Max Fried struggles in Yankee Stadium, but has a sub 3.00 ERA on the road

37. DJ LeMahieu is DFAd

    PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES

38. The Phillies have the lowest combined WAR of all starting outfields in baseball, but still make the playoffs

39. Trea Turner wins the batting title

40. Jesus Luzardo finishes top 10 in the NL in strikeouts, and leads the Phillies

41. The Phillie Phanatic has a child

42. Kyle Schwarber hits four home runs in a game

    NEW YORK METS

43. Juan Soto has the worst season of his career… defensively. But still hits 35 home runs with a .950 OPS.

44. Brandon Nimmo and Jeff McNeil are both benched

45. Sean Manaea is terrible. Define this any way you choose.

46. Clay Holmes is good. Define this any way you choose.

47. Brandon Sproat struggles in a debut

48. Steve Cohen loses a ton of money due to the Trump Tariffs and has to trade Brandon Nimmo.

49. Edwin Diaz sets a career-high in both walks and strikeouts

    BALTIMORE ORIOLES

50. Adley Rutschman plays less than 100 games at catcher

51. The Orioles spawn another blonde-haired, blue eye star we don’t know about yet

52. Jackson Holliday is demoted again

53. Gary Sanchez hits 20 homers

54. Felix Bautista leads the league in saves

    TEXAS RANGERS

55. Joc Pederson uses “Tweaker” as his walkup song all year

56. Jacob DeGrom posts the worst ERA of his career

57. Leody Taveras has a better season than Wyatt Langford

58. Josh Jung hits 40 home runs

    SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS

59. Tyler Fitzgerald plays every position, including pitcher

60. Wilmer Flores gets a hit off of Wilmer Flores

61. All Giants OFers/DHs combine for less than Barry Bonds’ total of 73 homers

    HOUSTON ASTROS

62. In order to increase marketability, Cam Smith changes his last name to “Morningstar”

63. A notable Astro makes a trash can joke

64. Yordan Alvarez hits 50 home runs

65. Josh Hader… more like Josh Trader (he’s traded)

    TAMPA BAY RAYS

66. The Rays, due to some crazy circumstance, have to play a home game in a non-Florida location

67. Taj Bradley strikes out 200 batters

68. Trump attends a Rays game, the only baseball game he attends in 2025

69. Christopher Morel hits 30 homers

70. Chandler Simpson steals 50 bases

    TORONTO BLUE JAYS

71. Vlad Guerrero Jr. hits fewer than 35 homers, but hits over .300. And doesn’t extend.

72. A border-related issue stemming from political nonsense occurs relating to foreign players leaving and entering Canada into America.

73. Alan Roden earns Rookie of the Year votes

74. Kevin Gausman finishes top 15 in pitcher WAR

    SEATTLE MARINERS

75. Julio Rodriguez finishes top three in MVP voting

76. Frasier-themed City Connect Uniforms

77. Luis Castillo finishes the season in the bullpen

    ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

78. Corbin Carroll steals 50 bases

79. Brandon Pfaadt leads the team in strikeouts

80. Jordan Lawlar is traded

81. Josh Naylor vomits on the field

    CHICAGO CUBS

82. Matt Shaw hits sub .240, but is never demoted

83. Craig Counsell gets at least one player to mimic his batting stance

84. Nico Hoerner finishes top-10 in the NL in hitting

85. Porter Hodge makes the all-star team

    SAN DIEGO PADRES

86. Luis Arraez hits under .300 this year

87. Jason Heyward hits 15+ home runs

88. Jeremiah Estrada becomes the closer

89. This is Don Orsillo’s final year in San Diego, and he returns to Boston to do PBP for NESN

    MILWAUKEE BREWERS

90. Freddy Peralta finishes Top 5 in Cy Young voting

91. Man, I don’t have anything bold here… uh, Jackson Chourio is really good?

92. A player honors Bob Uecker by doing something related to him on the field in-game

    DETROIT TIGERS

93. Detroit crashes back to earth, wins fewer than 80 games

94. Kerry Carpenter doesn’t, though, and finishes top 10 in the MLB in OPS

95. Javier Baez is released

96. A Detroit Lion takes batting practice and proclaims they could play Major League Baseball

    CLEVELAND GUARDIANS

97. Shane Bieber returns in the summer, and is instantly the team’s best pitcher

98. Some grifting media member starts a days-long discourse about returning the team name to “Indians”

99. Kyle Manzardo hits 30 home runs

100. Steven Kwan wins the batting title

101. Emmanuel Clase has an ERA over 3.00

     ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

102. The Cardinals finish with the second-worst record in baseball

103. Nolan Arenado is “traded” to the Yankees, with the Cardinals having to give up a prospect

104. Victor Scott and Mason Winn combine for 60+ steals

105. Jayson Tatum awkwardly meets some Cardinals players—Brendan Donovan and Miles Mikolas—and pretends he knows who they are.

     CINCINNATI REDS

106. Led by Terry Francona, the Reds cruise to an NL Central title

107. Hunter Greene leads the league in strikeouts, and throws a no-hitter

108. Matt McLain has a higher WAR than Elly de la Cruz

109. Skyline Chili goes bankrupt

     OAKLAND/SACRAMENTO/LAS VEGAS ATHLETICS

110. Some sort of snafu occurs with Las Vegas, and the Athletics time in Sacramento is confirmed to be extended

111. Brent Rooker reveals he is a socialist

112. Lawrence Butler regresses, hits below .250

113. Jacob Wilson finishes top five in Rookie of the Year voting

114. Mason Miller starts at least one game

     PITTSBURGH PIRATES

115. Paul Skenes proposes to Livy Dunne… at The Yard in Market Square

116. The Pirates remain in playoff contention until August, but fans erupt after a relatively inactive deadline

117. Henry Davis does not catch more than 20 games for the Pirates

118. Nick Gonzales makes the All-Star Game

     WASHINGTON NATIONALS

119. James Wood hits over 30 home runs, while Dylan Crews hits fewer than 20

120. The Nats add another president to their race—William Taft.

121. Luis Garcia outperforms CJ Abrams

122. The Nats lead the league in blown saves

     MIAMI MARLINS

123. Griffin Conine ties some sort of record/stat by his dad

124. Sandy Alcantara is traded by May

125. Eury Perez averages 10 strikeouts per nine innings upon his return

126. The Marlins have the worst record in baseball by over 10 games

     CHICAGO WHITE SOX

127. Chase Meidroth, not Kyle Teel, is the most productive player from the Garrett Crochet trade

128. Luis Robert is DFA’d, not traded

129. The White Sox win 20 more games than they did a year ago

     COLORADO ROCKIES

130. Kris Bryant hits 15+ homers in the first half of the season before being shelved with an injury

131. Seth Halvorsen makes the All-Star Game

132. Brenton Doyle wins the Platinum Glove

     GENERAL PREDICTIONS

133. No team signs Trevor Bauer.

134. Joe Buck says something crazy in his final broadcast

135. A notable player is suspended for gambling

136. Balls-and-strikes challenge system gains traction and is agreed on for 2026

137. Donald Trump tweets a complaint about nets at baseball games

138. Everyone has a grand old time

Happy opening day!